Dear Pimpy,

What is the saddest thing?

Dear Pimpy,

Can you help a brother out?  I do not have what you might call "game".  I'm having intense difficulty scoring all the fly ladies.  Can you help to inform me as to the source of my problem and assist me out of these predicament?

Keep it real yo.

okay, so i got questions from peebs and ponsy. i like your name ponsy. i'll do you first, cuz its easy.

hahaha ponsy, your bucket is nasty. howeva, i will give you a dollar to drink it. it has to be the whole thign tho. ready, go!

peebs peebs peebs, did you ever come to the right place. unfortunatly, i no way too much about this stuff. like it would fill a book, like if was ever gonna write a book, that's what it would be about. i'm not gonna write a book tho, maybe if somebody wrote it for me and i cood just put my name on it.

okay so first, here is a head exercise thing. watch what i do here. here goes.

okay, so if a guy says he has no game, then he is right.

and if a guy says he has game, then he is right. unless he's lying.

you see what i did there? the point here is something i bet you heard before. confidense. i can tell you dont have confidense cuz your like 'oh pimpy, i dont have game' see, so i no you dont have it becuz if you did you would say... well like nothing. cuz you would be out mackin. i bet everybody says 'oh peebs, you just gotta be confident' 'oh peebs, you just be confident and then i'll do you' 'oh peebs if you could only be confident i would let you be all up in me but for now carry my bags'

the bullshit is that they say confidense but they dont tell you waht that means. they are not pimpy. i am pimpy. i am a scientist of pimp. did i mention you are at the right place?

i am gonna now tell you how to be confident. confidense isn't just the things you do, its like inside you. you are unconfident cuz your donw on yourself. you think about the bad shit like how you dont got game. from now on, everything you think about yourself has to only be good shit. your like a spin doctor, like a carsalesman guy. you talk about yourself and you talk shit up.

dont be like 'man, i got no game' be like 'man, these bitches dont know what they MISSIN!' then you gotta think about all the reasons your the shit. you no theres reasons right? sure there is. you no the reasons. think about all them reasons. now think about them again. you confident yet? lets continyou.

next, when you talkin to girls, you probably think you gotta say all this good shit or whatever. thats bullshit. you dont hardly gotta say anything. you DEFINITELY dont gotta say anthing smart. chicks dont even care about what you say, they only care about how it makes them feel, see? they just dont wanna be bored, they wanna think your cool, there like chidlins.

here is how you talk to them. first, the smile. its not like a 'hi, i like you' smile. its like a 'i am so fuckin cool i dont even care that your here' smile. remember that part, i think im gonna come back to that. next, eye contact. you gotta stare them down. make all the eye contact you can. stare down chicks you never saw before. it makes them horny, cuz they know you da boss, see? you can talk about almost nothing but you keep smiling and keep staring. dont talk a lot. less words is better. ask questions. when they tell you stuff, just kinda nod and look at them, but like so they dont no what your thinkin. be misterious.

the way you mind should be for this stuff is you gotta think in your mind like your the coolest guy in the world. you talk to these chicks, but in your mind you think 'i am the king of this planet, i already own this woman, she just dont know it' in your mind you gotta imagine like your a rapper, or a sport guy, or a billionare, or all of those things. when you talkin to a girl, you gotta be like in your mind like 'i got five victoria secret models at home, but im bored a them so imma talk to this girl a little...' you just keep smilin and starin at her cuz you happy, cuz you the shit, and you not afraid, cuz she aint no thang.

dont hug a bitch. friends hug. you dont wanna be a friend. thats a hole with no bottom. dont touch the girl unless you grindin up on her, or unless she wanna kiss your mouth. like, like the way you make em kiss you, is like you do a face, and its like the face i said before, only its like relaxed. you only try that if you think shes feelin you though, and if theres a place for it.

think about this stuff before you go to sleep at night, like right before you sleepin think about how you a billionare. in two weeks you gonna be confident. do shit you like. doing shit you dont like eats confidense, so have some fun. chicks like guys cuz guys do what they want, they into that. they envy it cuz they gotta do all that chick stuff that they hate to do. like not eating. you just gotta be all happy and havin a good time and cool, and they wonder what your secret is.

talk to any girl you see. talk to em on the bus, or wherever. say somethin stupid, it dont matter as long as you smile. dont compliment girls, they hate that, they think you depserate. get they number for something. call them once, tell them to meet you at a party or a club. if you leave a message only say 'hey, it's peebs, call me back' and if they dont call you back, dont call again. just remember you too damn cool for most of these girls. if they dont llike you they stupid, if they like you they smart. its an intelgense test, and you didnt want them dumb bitches anyway. pratise on ugly girls. you gotta walk before you can run you no? and they so grateful.

thats all i gonna write for now, i gotta go. i can tell you more shit if you got more specific shit to ask. -werd, pimpy

Hey Pimpy -

Is all your big talk about banging tons of women really just a way for you to compensate for your ridiculously small penis?

Dear Pimpy,

How do I tell if a girl likes me?

-Lost and Confused

((The opinions of Pimpy MacPlaya are his own, and do not reflect the opinions of ZetaChannel, LarsComics, Blockhead Industries, or their affiliates.))

pimpy, why is it every time i bust a cap in a lawyer i get thrown in jail?

Dear Pimpy,

How should I dress if I want to impress da ladies?

-Naked in the Cold

Dear Pimpy,

I have two questions. First, why was I born? Second, can guys and girls ever just be friends? :-\

DGAF,
Buttkins

Hey Pimpy.

So like, I've been in an on-again off-again, sometimes-happy sometimes-horrible relationship for about seven or eight months, non-consecutively, and it just ended for good. I'm really not sure how I feel about it because there were times when I wanted it to end, but when it ended wasn't one of those times. I know we weren't able to make each other happy, and I agreed that separating was the right thing to do, but I'm still sad that it ended. To still love and care for someone, and yet not fight to stay with them, is a new experience to me. It seems like a contradiction, and the confusion has got me wondering about the validity of love itself. But that might just be a symptom of a relationship that didn't work. To be honest, it seems like the passion had decreased to a lukewarm feeling, and it wasn't something we wanted to fight for anymore. I guess that's what really disturbed me, the idea of love becoming something that isn't important. My question is, can firey burning love that makes all else seem trivial last forever, or will it always turn into a more casual thing? And can that casual thing ever be just as much worth fighting for as the firey passion is?