So a couple of months back someone in an IRC chat room asked me to tell a Christmas story. So I did. Now I've come back and edited out all the time stamps and misspellings and even formed paragraphs.

Warning, this is very silly.


'Tis the Season

Once upon a time there was a poor little starving orphan girl, who was forced to sell matches while standing barefoot in the cold. Or so everyone thought. She was really a robot ninja assassin cleverly disguised as a near-frozen orphan. (Those crafty ninja robot assassins, they’re always up to no good!)

She had been built and programmed by an evil consortium consisting of the Groundhog's Day groundhog, Cupid, and a nameless wreath of leaves who represented Arbour Day. They were sick of being marginalized holidays, and had decided to do something about it

So the Little Orphan Robot Ninja Assassin stood in the freezing cold on Christmas Eve, looking pitiful and trying to sell matches. But she was only biding her time, waiting for Santa to fly past in his sleigh.

Stashed in her basket under all the matches, she had a heat seeking hyper-proto-mega-mini-nuke with an infa-death-supra-AI guidance system, and nothing to do but wait, and occasionally garrote angels as they came down from heaven in the mistaken belief she was about to die and they needed to uplift her soul.

Luckily for her it was snowing quite heavily, and the dead angel wings blended in with the snowdrifts behind her. None of the last minute Christmas shoppers noticed her small pile of angel corpses.

The streets got quieter, and soon enough in all the houses nothing was stirring, not even the mice, (*Mouses) and the people of the town were in their beds dreaming of sugarplums and gifts and in one case about strangling the annoying crippled child who was always so damn cheerful in adversity. (Damn that Little Timmy, damn him and his good cheer!)

The Little Orphan Ninja Robot Assassin Match Girl shuffled further back into the shadows as something drifted down the street. Her tiny cold fingers slipped into the depths of her basket, and she prepared to do battle.

But it was only the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, dressed in strange latex gear and giggling darkly as they slipped out of old Eb Scrooge’s place. One of them caught sight of her huddling in her alleyway, and laughing nastily, tossed her a gift. A suspiciously sticky vibrating gift. (Good thing she's not a real orphan.)

Then she hears it, the first sign of her nemesis. Sleigh bells! Also the clatter and thump of 36 tiny hooves destroying roofing tiles and shingles left and right.

The Little Orphan Robot Ninja Assassin leaps into action, dropping her ragged cloak to reveal her slick ninja gear. She stops in the mouth of the alleyway for the obligatory dramatic pose, her eyes glowing, her hair flying, and for some reason electrical sparks sizzle all around her.

Then she pulls her supra-stealth-extra-strength rocket-propelled secret ninja grapple gun off her belt, and fires it into the sky. A moment later she is bounding across the rooftops in hot pursuit of Santa.

She spots the empty sleigh standing on a rooftop, the reindeer vacantly nibbling at bits of chimney, and she grins with her metal jaws behind her ninja mask. It's just as she'd hoped. Santa is distracted, delivering good cheer and probably kissing someone’s mommy.

The Little Orphan Robot Ninja Assassin Match Girl crouches down and takes aim at the chimney entrance with her heat seeking hyper-proto-mega-mini-nuke with an infa-death-supra-AI guidance system. She can see little puffs of ash rising from the chimney, and her finger tightens on the trigger with anticipation.

Then, just as Santa's head pops up from the chimney and she is about to blow him to kingdom come, she is suddenly attacked from behind! (Gasp!)

An ash-coated broom whacks her in the head! And again! It nearly knocks her off the rooftop. Her heat seeking hyper-proto-mega-mini-nuke with an infa-death-supra-AI guidance system goes spinning off the edge of the roof. When it hits the cobblestones below, it blows up, taking out a small newspaper stand and leaving a smoking crater.

The Little Orphan Ninja Robot Assassin Match Girl has been attacked by a cheerful cockney chimney sweep! (Oh the alliteration of it all!) And he's singing something about chim chim chimmi-nee as he wields his broom.

The battle is on! (Cue the fight music.)

Not only is the Little Orphan Ninja Robot Assassin Match Girl facing a beloved literary character intent on doing her harm, but  Santa has noticed her. Behind her he releases a pack of nasty sharp fanged Christmas elves the trunk of his sleigh, all wielding broken Christmas ornament knives and frosty bottles of coca-cola

The elves leap across the gap, and join the chimney sweep, circling around the Poor Little Orphan Robot Ninja Assassin Match Girl. They look like festive sharks, grinning with their pointy little elf teeth.

The fight commences, with many cut scenes, slow motion kicks, and sweeping punches that cause elf heads to blow up in impossible rains of blood. There is an obligatory moment when the chimney-sweep accidentally groin shots an elf in slow motion, and then the fight reverts back to the extreme robot ninja assassin moves with close up shots of big innocent match girl eyes.

Soon the elves are done away with, mostly splattered in the street below. Only the chimney-sweep remains, still humming snatches of some catchy tune. Spinning his broom menacingly, he bursts into song... “Something, something… supercalifragilisticexplialidocious.... *wheeze*”

At the end of this stupidly long word, he is out of breath, purple and gasping. That'll teach him to work in an environment full of smoke and ash particles without a respirator mask.

As he tries to catch his breath, the Little Orphan Robot Ninja Assassin Match Girl pulls out her backup micro-mini heat seeking hyper-proto-mega-mini-nuke with an infa-death-supra-AI guidance system, and uses it to vaporize the chimney sweep, and his little broom too. (Yay!)

She turns to deal with Santa, but alas! He's used the fight to make his escape. The Little Orphan Ninja Robot Assassin Match Girl can find no sign of him. He's gone.

The Poor Little Orphan Ninja Robot Match Girl climbs down from the building, gathers up her ragged cloak and basket of matches, and shuffles away, pausing only to try to sell some matches to a weird green guy who is slithering down the street on his belly, dragging a huge sack of something.

Meanwhile, in their secret lair, the Groundhogs Day groundhog, Cupid, and the nameless wreath of leaves from Arbour Day grind their teeth impotently and plot enhancements for next year.

Just wait, they say. Just wait. Next year we will have Mecha-Omni-Mega Thermonuclear Little Drummer Boy with Antimatter Cannon Drumsticks. And Little Orphan Robot Ninja Assassin Match Girl Mark 2 as well. We'll get that Santa yet, and then everyone will take our holidays seriously. You’ll see! Buahahahaha.

Maybe next June or so?