General Statistics
Total Posts: 277319
Total Topics: 4694
Online Today: 31
Online Ever: 127, on March 13, 2007, 12:56:10 PM
Users Online
Totals
Users: 10
Guests: 14
Total: 24
Index Pages: [1]
CuddlyCuteKitten    Topic opened May 31, 2007, 04:13:31 PM
Game Master
Renown: +17/-2
Offline Offline

Posts: 779

Inspired by the roleplaying game Kult

I haven't written anything in years but I suddenly got the urge. Please critique my writing as I hope that I'll be in the mood to write a follow up

In the light from the kerosene lamp McNamara could barely make the interior of the old cabin.
He peered out of a window at the old beaten pickup truck parked outside, lights still glaring. Moments before all that could be heard had been the roar from the engine, now that had been replaced with a silence only interrupted by Elliots low groans. He wasn’t sure if the young man was sweating from fear or because the drugs were wearing off, but he locked like a wreck trying to hold onto the old hunting rifle.
Apparently ignoring her boyfriend Katie was sitting in her grandfather’s old rocking chair, idly playing with a piece of jewellery around her neck.
It was as if she was shutting out the outside world.
In the soft light from the lamp her auburn hair and the slow rocking movements of the chair made her otherwise ordinary face look eerily beautiful.
A clicking noise by the door broke the spell and made McNamara turn around.
A small hand, like that of a childs, was fiddling with the door handle. Attached to that hand was a thin long limb with several joints that cracked as it moved around.
Katie looked up as he took the three steps over to the door, levelled the gun and pressed the trigger.
The roar of the two barrels was soon joined by the sound of breaking glass, more hands and arms coming in through the windows, soon followed by round faces and gleaming eyes.
They paused for a second, their multiple limbs hanging still in impossible patterns, before flooding in through the open holes in the wall.
The cabin erupted into chaos as McNamara fired, reloaded and fired again. He could hear the sharp pangs of the rifle and the soft thuds of Katie’s gun but all he could see was a mass of round faces starring up at him, smiling, and all he could feel was tiny hands almost tenderly moving up on his legs.
He lashed out and broke free, small sensations of white pain erupting as he tore his legs free from the tiny teeth.
A swift kick sent the kerosene lamp crashing onto the floor as McNamara picked up speed. Elliot was standing in the middle of the room, now calmly reloading the rifle, as McNamaras tackle hit him. Both of them went flying through the broken window into the soft damp soil. The world disappeared in a shower of wet leaves as they spun down the slope, finally colliding with something on the bottom.
Catching his breath McNamara saw Katie land next to them in the corner of his eye.
His gaze was fixed on the top of the hill as silhouettes emerged into the full moon.
Lacking legs their multiple arms carefully propelled them toward the edge of the slope.
They looked down straight onto the group, their eyes gleaming in the dark.
Logged

[when asked if any of the cast of his book series, "A Song of Ice and Fire", will be left alive]: "No one will be alive by the last book. In fact, they all die in the fifth. The sixth book will be just a thousand-page description of snow blowing across the graves ..."
8833_mr._gm.png
IridiumFleas Reply #1 in Kult — Posted May 31, 2007, 08:35:11 PM
Renown: +54/-8
Offline Offline

Posts: 1,205

Weave the world, dance the puppets, call the muse

*starts to read*
*stops*
*rubs eyes*

Um... CCK?
Could you either indent your paragraphs or put an extra line between them?  It would make them a lot easier to read...

Thanks...
Logged

Conversation is nothing more than a friendly game of psychological warfare.

Story of mine:
Moon-Crossed
Index Pages: [1]
  |  Reply