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Index — Currently incomplete, but seeking critique on script thus far Pages: [1]
Adam the Alien    Topic opened July 05, 2007, 09:04:05 PM

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Penis.

All right, so I've been working on this for some time. Partially because, what with school and all, I haven't had any damned time to work on it. Nor any un-damned time, for that matter.

This is a screenplay called "Bruce" - centered around a character named, you guessed it, Bruce. Those who played or read Mister Monster Likes To Dance from the xF days know this character, as it was for that game that I created him. Father John is also a central character.
It has been brought to my attention that I should point this out: This screenplay has absolutely nothing to do with Mr. Monster Likes To Dance aside from the use of characters I first created for that game. You do not need to read Mr. Monster prior to reading this.

I'm actually coming up on a spot I may be a bit stuck on, in terms of "Oh shit, I may have to go back and rewrite a bit to establish something earlier". I don't know yet. We'll see.

What would help me, right now, however? Input. I want to make sure what I've written thus far is clear, makes sense, and that there's nothing particularly jarring setting off people's WTF radar. Unless I meant it to do that.

I make use of a couple characters created by Mach and 'Tero - I asked for permission at the time, but if either of you have any reservations now, please say so. Of course, I haven't gotten around to actually putting in 'Tero's character yet, so he's just mentioned on the title page. His character should actually showing up very shortly after I resume writing.

All right...let's hope the file attaches properly, eh?

Edit: I've also attached an audio file from The Conet Project that I hope to use (with permission) when this is filmed. So there are two files below. Bruce.doc is the screenplay, and then the mp3 is there to explain a reference I make several times in the screenplay as something I would like the audience to be hearing at that point in the film. I realize now that "irdial" was not part of the track title, but I haven't edited that out of the screenplay yet as it's of low importance (there aren't actual titles, per se, to Conet Project tracks anyhow).

Bruce.doc (136.5 KB - downloaded 11 times.)
tcp_d2_38_6_tones_irdial.mp3 (444.13 KB - downloaded 9 times.)
Last Edit: July 16, 2007, 02:44:04 AM by Adam the Alien Logged

"I wonder if I should change [my personal text]."
"Just put, 'penis'"
"Why 'penis'?"
"Because it'll make everyone go, 'Why 'penis'?'"

HH2 Character: Drink ~~ Just Yell Fire

89649_mr._bugfinder.png
IridiumFleas Reply #1 in Shave and a fucking haircut: "Bruce" screenplay — Posted July 15, 2007, 01:01:15 AM
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Weave the world, dance the puppets, call the muse

I have just downloaded your script and have started reading it.

First comment:  I am NOT a script editor, kiddies.  My eyes already hurt.  So I have no clue how accurate anything I say is going to be, nor how well I will understand it.  So... beware.

Page 2:  The killing of the cockroach is a little cliche', but still a good one.

Page 4:  Action.  Whee!  *goes back to reading*  Hmm.  Not sure how I feel about the first exchange between the doctor and the Father.  Seems a bit rushed, but then, that's in part of the way of scripts, I guess.  Dropping the Father for Mr. is also a good one, although a bit overdone.

Hmm... "And such violence!"  I'm not sure what it is, because if this was a regular story, it would seem... jarring.  Very difficult for me to get a measure of the characters, to understand how they are talking, the tones.

Page 5:  "Perhaps I could find clues as to where he might have gone."  Umm.  No.  This is an example of telling instead of showing, and for a script, that just doesn't work.  Or maybe it does.  It bothers me.

"I don't see a problem with that. You'll have to discuss it with the police, of course. To be honest, Mr. Jamison, we expected him to return home to you."  Gah.  The dialogue is... I keep thinking, this is supposed to be grounded in reality.  The first sentence... having a family member see the patient's things, and when they ask, saying "I don't see a problem with that."  That implies that there would be a problem.  Something like "Of course" would seem more natural.

"You'll have to discuss it with the police, of course," is... I don't know.  It triggers my "what the hell?" reaction.

"May I see his things?"

"You'll have to discuss it with the police."

Okay, we have left off the part about "Perhaps I could find clues as to where he might have gone," but we know that concept needs to be in there.

Suggestion:   "Thank you.  I'm hoping I could find some clues as to where he went."

Suggested reply:  "To be honest, Mr. Jamison, we expected him to return home to you."

Then your counter-reply:  "That's probably why he didn't."

A lot of times, when people talk, they bounce back and forth, giving ideas, short-clips, replying.  I know, a lot of times they don't, but I hope you can see how the flow of the conversation seems a bit stilted and forced.

Okay, first line from Ethan - "It's no problem…providing you don't mention this to anyone."  I don't know.  It's like a heavy sentence when the tone should be crispier, lighter.  To me, you say a lot more when you say a lot less, especially when you show that there is something implied.

Example:

JOHN:  Thank you for doing this, Ethan.
ETHAN:  (It's) No problem.  Just...
JOHN:  Don't worry.  Not a soul.

Again, I could be wrong, but it just seems easier to imagine.

To me, it seems like you are trying to say a lot in a short amount of time, but are doing it in a way that doesn't make it believable, and when you can actually say more by saying less.

ETHAN:  How long was Bruce taking therapy sessions with this fruitcake?
JOHN:  Six months.
ETHAN:  Damn.

OKay, the first issue is that you have the police officer asking the priest something that it just seems more likely for the police officer to know first.  I know, I know, John has the file, but it just bugs me that the police officer, who should know, is asking someone who shouldn't know.

Unless... John was coming to Ethan with his suspicions after knowing that Bruce had been in therapy sessions with the good psycho for six months.

But then, Ethan refers to Dr. Aken as "a fruitcake", which implies that Ethan knows something of the history already.

That already part bothers me, because the viewer is thrust into the interaction, not knowing who this Dr. Aken is.  Sometimes being sudden helps, but this seems more like the plot is being forced to move forward at a quicker pace than it should.

Also... "Damn."  That seems... weak.  Definitely doesn't feel natural.

JOHN:  These are all of his notes?

And, the feeling of getting introduced to Dr. Aken seems off, forced.

Page 6:  The dialogue is a little smoother, and the problems with it are mostly just echoes of earlier problems I mentioned.  Although things like Ethan's comment that John would be able to find Bruce faster than anyone else would seems a little unusual.  Normally, the plice find people faster unless it is a situation where someone like John knows more about Bruce - his habits, his hunts, his friends - all things that he normally should disclose to the police anyway.

Minor irritation.  Patient number two-two-six-one-nine-five-eight?  2261958?  If Dr. Aken is supposed to be organized and numerical in his thought processes, there should be a system to those numbers.  Part of me has to wonder, are there 2261957 other patients that Dr. Aken has seen.  For the record, that's 2.26 million we're talking about.  Or is this all the patients in the mental facility?  That's a lot.  Or is it patient #226 who arrived in the year 1957?  Probably none of the above, probably it was just something to make the report seem more "official."  In any case, the devil is in the details, and I find this little detail to be lacking.

On the plus side, it is a minor irritation that most people won't get, and if there is something to make the system seem more believable that does get used, more power.

Page 7:  I was okay until the "cobra ready to strike".  Now, I'm not sure.  There is a fantasy quality to the story already.  Now don't get me wrong, you can do fantasy in a story, but there is a question of the tone to it.  Using that colorful of a simile strikes me as high fantasy.  He IS this perfect assassion, and rather than calmly show you the details of what makes him this perfect assassion, we're going to use impressive language instead.

Mind you, using impressive language instead of knowing your details is an acceptable and effective strategy of storytelling.  But recognize it for what it is and be sure that this is what you want.

Page 8:  Bruce saying "Your funeral" doesn't strike me as the right mentality.  You've establish a four-color feel already - the walls being able to tell stories, hints of a shadow conspiracy that can kill Dr. Aken just for knowing too much... It comes across as being flipant.  I just don't know if the tone is right.

Page 9 & 10:  Good flow.

Page 11 & 12: Hmm.  Not getting the imagery.

Page 13:  Seems a bit stereotypically sappy.  *shrug*  It works.

Page 14:  The fainting seemed a bit much, but it works.  Bruce saying "Indeed" does not.

Page 23:  *pause*  *look*  Huh.  Pages 15 - 22 went by without comment.

Okay, the part on Page 23 that bugged me was Ethan's statement.

"We are doing everything we can to bring Dr. Aken in speedily. If you see him, it is very important that you DO NOT CONFRONT HIM. Do not acknowledge that you recognize him, just get the Hell away without drawing attention to yourself, and call 9-1-1. Until Dr. Aken is safely in custody, we ask that everyone keep their doors and windows locked at all times. Do not go out alone, even during the day, and stick to highly visible areas. We WILL recapture the doctor in short order, but we want everyone to lean on the side of caution until then."

Frankly, if a police official gave that kind of public statement, his ass would be out the door.  This statement strains the credibility of the story, and it is doubly-strained by the fact that it is Ethan as the public liason.

There are several stock phrases that officials use.  DO NOT CONFRONT HIM is not one of them.  Armed and extremely dangerous will do, because as dangerous as one man can be, he is still one man.  Acting like he is a demon-in-man-skin will cause the public to panick.  Bad idea.

The rest of that...

Holy.  Shit.

Ethan, you idiot, are you trying to start a riot?

Telling everyone to go home and lock the windows and doors - that's a bit extreme.  Human nature being what it is, not everyone will get the message.  It's one thing to make a note that there is a fire in a crowded threater and get people to quickly and orderly make it to the exit.  But don't go screaming "Fire!  Fire!"

The second part of Kimberly's statement...

What the hey?

Why the hell would the files matter on re-capturing Dr. Aken?  And why would the media know?  And know that it was an inside job?  And even if any of this was discovered, it usually takes days and is NOT part of breaking news.

That page was painful.  Going along, nice and fine, picking up speed, OH MY GOD, LOGIC POTHOLES!!!!

Page 26 - Dr. Aken's first long speech was a bit much.  It... well... bored me.  I glossed over it.

Not a good sign.

Mostly because it seemed contrived.  Dr. Aken just met Theo and they are already talking about movies in great deal, and then Dr. Aken bursts into this monologue.  It's fine, but still...

Page 33 - The change of scene was sudden, but this time, unlike the scenes earlier, it felt natural.  Very good.

Marie's speech was not good.

It's too sudden.  She just bursts out and tells John why he screwed up.  Things like that take a little time for the viewer to appreciate what's coming.  There was no build-up, no change to observe a little exchange, to warn the audience that John is not liked by Marie as well, and maybe to get a few hints as to why she has good reason to dislike John.

Page 38 - I don't mind the notion that you're going to go all philosophical, but a lot of the times, you have these blocks of speeches that seem like you want to tell the world your ideas instead of have the characters actually speak for themselves.

Let the characters play a little more.


And... I'm done.

You asked for some review.

There you go.
Logged

Conversation is nothing more than a friendly game of psychological warfare.

Story of mine:
Moon-Crossed
Adam the Alien Reply #2 in Shave and a fucking haircut: "Bruce" screenplay — Posted July 16, 2007, 02:42:01 AM

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Penis.

Some spoiler tags used because...well, it just makes me feel better. I don't know. Don't argue with my attempt at fighting my paranoia.

Things probably are a bit too rushed for the characters to play...unfortunately, I won't be able to fix that until I reach the end of the plot, and even then...the one damned drawback to screenplays is the time limit. I have about 120 pages to tell this story, give or take (a minute per page is the estimate in this format). I should aim at 90, since I'm fresh to the feature screenwriting biz, but I know the story wouldn't fit in 90 minutes. But I'll definitely keep that in mind...I know I've been more concerned with how to transition back and forth between three different stories (John's story, Aken's story  [which will soon be departing from the therapy sessions], and Bruce's story).

In talking about the cobra line, you brought up the fantasy feel. I have a question about this...how fantasy does it feel right now? And how jarring would it be that I still plan to bring in dead people that turn out not to be dead, a nameless cult based around worshipping a demonic being called Ainbheartach, and (odd as it sounds) ninjas?

(click to show/hide)

I like the suggestion for how to fix up some of the John/Hazen exchange. Actually, I may take out the bit about asking to see his things...that was a leftover from when the first flashback would be triggered by Bruce's journal, rather than Aken's notes.

Regarding John knowing how long Bruce was in therapy and Ethan asking about it: I didn't consider that...is it really so jarring for Bruce's brother to know more about some things than a police officer, though?

The patient number: Interesting. I really didn't think anybody'd dwell on that enough for it to be an issue, actually. I wasn't thinking about realism, I was just inserting a completely obscure, fanboyish reference to Bruce Campbell's birthdate (in dd-m-yyyy format).

Regarding the news broadcast: Hmmmmm. You bring up a lot of good points. I was focusing more on Ethan's style of "official speak" which is still littered with...well, Ethan. I'll probably replace him with Chief Clarkson, since I went and mentioned him anyway...just have Ethan stand in the background, maybe. My other problem is that I've never actually seen an announcement of this type except on fictional television shows (which this speech was actually all too derivative of) - I typically find out about this sort of thing from the newspaper, not the television. So my question is: does anyone out there have any url link to or memory of a television broadcast of an official warning the public of a dangerous suspect/escaped convict?

The logical problem surrounding Kimberly's lines - which I was completely and utterly oblivious to - presents a far more significant problem, though. I have no idea how to fix that. It may have to wait until I'm finished, and then I can see whether or not I really and truly need that there. I may not...I was toying with the idea of a subplot based on those lines, but I don't think it will fit. There's a high probability I'll drop that subplot and thus can eliminate the problematic lines.


Things I'm willing to reveal at this point, if it helps anyone with making suggestions on how to fix things they notice and - most especially - how to fix my ninja issues:
(click to show/hide)
Last Edit: July 16, 2007, 03:08:44 AM by Adam the Alien Logged

"I wonder if I should change [my personal text]."
"Just put, 'penis'"
"Why 'penis'?"
"Because it'll make everyone go, 'Why 'penis'?'"

HH2 Character: Drink ~~ Just Yell Fire

89649_mr._bugfinder.png
Adam the Alien Reply #3 in Shave and a fucking haircut: "Bruce" screenplay — Posted July 16, 2007, 07:04:03 PM

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Penis.

Oh yes, one more thing that's been especially troubling me, that I'd love input on:

(click to show/hide)
Logged

"I wonder if I should change [my personal text]."
"Just put, 'penis'"
"Why 'penis'?"
"Because it'll make everyone go, 'Why 'penis'?'"

HH2 Character: Drink ~~ Just Yell Fire

89649_mr._bugfinder.png
Index  — Currently incomplete, but seeking critique on script thus far Pages: [1]
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