I have just downloaded your script and have started reading it.

First comment:  I am NOT a script editor, kiddies.  My eyes already hurt.  So I have no clue how accurate anything I say is going to be, nor how well I will understand it.  So... beware.

Page 2:  The killing of the cockroach is a little cliche', but still a good one.

Page 4:  Action.  Whee!  *goes back to reading*  Hmm.  Not sure how I feel about the first exchange between the doctor and the Father.  Seems a bit rushed, but then, that's in part of the way of scripts, I guess.  Dropping the Father for Mr. is also a good one, although a bit overdone.

Hmm... "And such violence!"  I'm not sure what it is, because if this was a regular story, it would seem... jarring.  Very difficult for me to get a measure of the characters, to understand how they are talking, the tones.

Page 5:  "Perhaps I could find clues as to where he might have gone."  Umm.  No.  This is an example of telling instead of showing, and for a script, that just doesn't work.  Or maybe it does.  It bothers me.

"I don't see a problem with that. You'll have to discuss it with the police, of course. To be honest, Mr. Jamison, we expected him to return home to you."  Gah.  The dialogue is... I keep thinking, this is supposed to be grounded in reality.  The first sentence... having a family member see the patient's things, and when they ask, saying "I don't see a problem with that."  That implies that there would be a problem.  Something like "Of course" would seem more natural.

"You'll have to discuss it with the police, of course," is... I don't know.  It triggers my "what the hell?" reaction.

"May I see his things?"

"You'll have to discuss it with the police."

Okay, we have left off the part about "Perhaps I could find clues as to where he might have gone," but we know that concept needs to be in there.

Suggestion:   "Thank you.  I'm hoping I could find some clues as to where he went."

Suggested reply:  "To be honest, Mr. Jamison, we expected him to return home to you."

Then your counter-reply:  "That's probably why he didn't."

A lot of times, when people talk, they bounce back and forth, giving ideas, short-clips, replying.  I know, a lot of times they don't, but I hope you can see how the flow of the conversation seems a bit stilted and forced.

Okay, first line from Ethan - "It's no problem…providing you don't mention this to anyone."  I don't know.  It's like a heavy sentence when the tone should be crispier, lighter.  To me, you say a lot more when you say a lot less, especially when you show that there is something implied.

Example:

JOHN:  Thank you for doing this, Ethan.
ETHAN:  (It's) No problem.  Just...
JOHN:  Don't worry.  Not a soul.

Again, I could be wrong, but it just seems easier to imagine.

To me, it seems like you are trying to say a lot in a short amount of time, but are doing it in a way that doesn't make it believable, and when you can actually say more by saying less.

ETHAN:  How long was Bruce taking therapy sessions with this fruitcake?
JOHN:  Six months.
ETHAN:  Damn.

OKay, the first issue is that you have the police officer asking the priest something that it just seems more likely for the police officer to know first.  I know, I know, John has the file, but it just bugs me that the police officer, who should know, is asking someone who shouldn't know.

Unless... John was coming to Ethan with his suspicions after knowing that Bruce had been in therapy sessions with the good psycho for six months.

But then, Ethan refers to Dr. Aken as "a fruitcake", which implies that Ethan knows something of the history already.

That already part bothers me, because the viewer is thrust into the interaction, not knowing who this Dr. Aken is.  Sometimes being sudden helps, but this seems more like the plot is being forced to move forward at a quicker pace than it should.

Also... "Damn."  That seems... weak.  Definitely doesn't feel natural.

JOHN:  These are all of his notes?

And, the feeling of getting introduced to Dr. Aken seems off, forced.

Page 6:  The dialogue is a little smoother, and the problems with it are mostly just echoes of earlier problems I mentioned.  Although things like Ethan's comment that John would be able to find Bruce faster than anyone else would seems a little unusual.  Normally, the plice find people faster unless it is a situation where someone like John knows more about Bruce - his habits, his hunts, his friends - all things that he normally should disclose to the police anyway.

Minor irritation.  Patient number two-two-six-one-nine-five-eight?  2261958?  If Dr. Aken is supposed to be organized and numerical in his thought processes, there should be a system to those numbers.  Part of me has to wonder, are there 2261957 other patients that Dr. Aken has seen.  For the record, that's 2.26 million we're talking about.  Or is this all the patients in the mental facility?  That's a lot.  Or is it patient #226 who arrived in the year 1957?  Probably none of the above, probably it was just something to make the report seem more "official."  In any case, the devil is in the details, and I find this little detail to be lacking.

On the plus side, it is a minor irritation that most people won't get, and if there is something to make the system seem more believable that does get used, more power.

Page 7:  I was okay until the "cobra ready to strike".  Now, I'm not sure.  There is a fantasy quality to the story already.  Now don't get me wrong, you can do fantasy in a story, but there is a question of the tone to it.  Using that colorful of a simile strikes me as high fantasy.  He IS this perfect assassion, and rather than calmly show you the details of what makes him this perfect assassion, we're going to use impressive language instead.

Mind you, using impressive language instead of knowing your details is an acceptable and effective strategy of storytelling.  But recognize it for what it is and be sure that this is what you want.

Page 8:  Bruce saying "Your funeral" doesn't strike me as the right mentality.  You've establish a four-color feel already - the walls being able to tell stories, hints of a shadow conspiracy that can kill Dr. Aken just for knowing too much... It comes across as being flipant.  I just don't know if the tone is right.

Page 9 & 10:  Good flow.

Page 11 & 12: Hmm.  Not getting the imagery.

Page 13:  Seems a bit stereotypically sappy.  *shrug*  It works.

Page 14:  The fainting seemed a bit much, but it works.  Bruce saying "Indeed" does not.

Page 23:  *pause*  *look*  Huh.  Pages 15 - 22 went by without comment.

Okay, the part on Page 23 that bugged me was Ethan's statement.

"We are doing everything we can to bring Dr. Aken in speedily. If you see him, it is very important that you DO NOT CONFRONT HIM. Do not acknowledge that you recognize him, just get the Hell away without drawing attention to yourself, and call 9-1-1. Until Dr. Aken is safely in custody, we ask that everyone keep their doors and windows locked at all times. Do not go out alone, even during the day, and stick to highly visible areas. We WILL recapture the doctor in short order, but we want everyone to lean on the side of caution until then."

Frankly, if a police official gave that kind of public statement, his ass would be out the door.  This statement strains the credibility of the story, and it is doubly-strained by the fact that it is Ethan as the public liason.

There are several stock phrases that officials use.  DO NOT CONFRONT HIM is not one of them.  Armed and extremely dangerous will do, because as dangerous as one man can be, he is still one man.  Acting like he is a demon-in-man-skin will cause the public to panick.  Bad idea.

The rest of that...

Holy.  Shit.

Ethan, you idiot, are you trying to start a riot?

Telling everyone to go home and lock the windows and doors - that's a bit extreme.  Human nature being what it is, not everyone will get the message.  It's one thing to make a note that there is a fire in a crowded threater and get people to quickly and orderly make it to the exit.  But don't go screaming "Fire!  Fire!"

The second part of Kimberly's statement...

What the hey?

Why the hell would the files matter on re-capturing Dr. Aken?  And why would the media know?  And know that it was an inside job?  And even if any of this was discovered, it usually takes days and is NOT part of breaking news.

That page was painful.  Going along, nice and fine, picking up speed, OH MY GOD, LOGIC POTHOLES!!!!

Page 26 - Dr. Aken's first long speech was a bit much.  It... well... bored me.  I glossed over it.

Not a good sign.

Mostly because it seemed contrived.  Dr. Aken just met Theo and they are already talking about movies in great deal, and then Dr. Aken bursts into this monologue.  It's fine, but still...

Page 33 - The change of scene was sudden, but this time, unlike the scenes earlier, it felt natural.  Very good.

Marie's speech was not good.

It's too sudden.  She just bursts out and tells John why he screwed up.  Things like that take a little time for the viewer to appreciate what's coming.  There was no build-up, no change to observe a little exchange, to warn the audience that John is not liked by Marie as well, and maybe to get a few hints as to why she has good reason to dislike John.

Page 38 - I don't mind the notion that you're going to go all philosophical, but a lot of the times, you have these blocks of speeches that seem like you want to tell the world your ideas instead of have the characters actually speak for themselves.

Let the characters play a little more.


And... I'm done.

You asked for some review.

There you go.

Oh yes, one more thing that's been especially troubling me, that I'd love input on: