Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to post weird entries from police/safety logs. Or fire department logs, or any other kind of standard public logs. If you don't read them, you should. There are some real gems out there. Some seem odd just because of the situation, others are odd because of how they were worded. They can be hilarious, just plain absurd or even...slightly offsetting.

You must find real logs. Please do not make up your own. Read the paper. It is funny. Smaller papers tend to have the best ones.

For example, here's one from this week's edition of the Clackamas Print:

McLoughlin staff reported student struck by a table malfunction in classroom. There were no injuries.

And from an issue last year:

Call regarding white male adult looking into a red Kia in Barlow lot. Subject also appears to have wet his pants. Talked to subject who had ID and stated that he was a student. He told me the Kia was his. I told him how to get to the nearest restroom.

Now go forth and find weird shit!

Well, the hard way is to find out where public records are stored.

Easier, though, is that most local area newspapers will print the logs somewhere...though not always in an easy-to-spot place.

And there's always the webbernet.

Assault with a  Non-Toxic Liquid

Yesterday evening city police officers attended at a downtown store in regards to an assault. Upon arrival officers were informed by the victim that her ex-boyfriend attended at her place of employment and assault her by throwing a non-toxic liquid at her. The accused was located a short time later and arrested. The 49-year-old male is charged with one count of assault and will be appearing in bail court today.

http://www.arcataeye.com/index.php?module=pagesetter&tid=2&topic=7

The Arcata Eye is the all-time classic for this stuff. Arcata is a town in rural Northern California, which is essentially the rural hippy (a distinct breed from the San Francisco hippy) capital of America. The guy who writes the police blotter gets creative on top of that.

"At odds with that pesky 'reality' thing – July 17, 2007
4:46 p.m. A shaved-headed man with a obligatory bedroll and Army jacket was “ranting [and] doesn’t appear to be in good mental health” on the Plaza. Police didn’t see him there – or maybe just couldn’t separate him out from the horde of similarly configured ranters often on duty there – but remained on the lookout. "

Tucson police arrest 10-year-old accused of trying to poison peers

Tucson police have arrested a 10-year-old boy who reportedly put pills in a carton of juice and tried to get two classmates to drink it.

The boy was in the custody of a guardian and is charged as a juvenile with one felony count of poisoning food, drink or medicine, Tucson police Sgt. Mark Robinson said Thursday.

He said it’s unclear what the student’s motive was in bringing the pills to school and trying to get other students to ingest them.

“It could have been extremely serious,” Robinson said. “I think the school administration took quick action on it and limited the other kids’ exposure to this attempt to pass around tainted juice.”

He said the La Paloma Academy student put various pills in pineapple-orange juice Wednesday morning and offered it to a 12-year-old boy, who was warned there were drugs in the drink by another student. The 10-year-old then offered the drink to a girl of the same age, who also was warned about the tainted juice and didn’t drink it, Robinson said.

A call to school Principal Jackie Trujillo-Watins was not immediately returned Thursday.

Six types of pills were found in the juice, in the school yard and in a trash can, Robinson said. It’s unclear how many of them were in the juice.

Robinson said two of the pills were prescription medications that, if taken by somebody other than the patient they were prescribed to, lowers the blood pressure and decreases the heart rate to a potentially dangerous level.

While he said those effects could be more harmful for a child, he said there’s no indication they would be life-threatening. Robinson said the possible effects of a third prescription medication were unknown, as were the effects of other types present.

From the Bee News Police Blotter:

• Two people in gorilla suits were walking around an Amherst subdivision “smacking passing motorists and yelling obscenities.” They were located while sitting by the side of the road and advised to put the suits away.

• The owner of a Walden Avenue business reported someone has been stealing valuable metal pieces from his property. One piece was a 1,000-pound rear end out of a parked trailer.

• Police were called to Cottonwood Drive where a man was standing in the window naked. He told police he was sunning himself and didn’t realize anyone was watching. He was strongly advised to stop.

• A goose was tapping on windows at the library on Audubon Parkway. The goose left.

I'd say it is a challenge to any fiction writer to take that simple story premise and flesh it out. Maybe call it "The goose who wanted to read" or something.

A week ago this past Friday, Lowell Police Superintendent Ken Lavallee was stopped in traffic on Broadway Street when a teen crossing the street stared into the unmarked car, walked in front of the vehicle and pulled down his pants, "mooning" the chief. Lavallee jumped from the car and arrested the kid for indecent exposure. He was 13.

Unfortunately I couldn't find the full blotter, but I still think that one's pretty impressive.

The first two are so freaking petty. The wall? How and why does one steal a cement wall??

*eyeballs you suspiciously* Who's askin? Why you wanna know?
You wearin' a wire? *eyes narrow* Are you a cop? I don't know nothin' about no wall. I was playin' cards with the boys all night.

....

*whispers, opens trenchcoat* Hey... You wanna buy a wall?
*pulls out small piece of cement brick* Check it out, man.... Nice eh? That's some primo wall, right there. *grinds a bit of the wall up and snorts it* Man, that's some quality wall.