When something serious comes up and there is a phone call (it's probably gonna come up over IM or similar, and then he'll say, "I am gonna call you so we can talk about this") there is always a time when the phone call, and thus your anxiety, will end.

While you are on the phone there are a lot of things you can do to make it less stressful. Keep an IM window open, and if you're having trouble articulating a point, tell him you're typing it to him. Better yet, tell him beforehand that you might need to do this once in a while, and promise to try to keep it to a minimum. That way you have an out if you need it.

If the conversation starts going the wrong way/you say something that wasn't what you meant and it went badly/there is, in fact, drama, you can always send an email. Clearing things up by saying, "When I said _____ I didn't mean it in that sense. I meant to say _____, but was unable to find the words, and the nearest approximation I could find on demand had a completely different meaning that I didn't think of. Sometimes I have trouble thinking on my feet in phone conversations because I feel put on the spot, and I wanted to let you know what I really meant. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Call me back when you get this." -- That way you get to clarify and properly articulate things in an email where you are in your element, and the serious decisions still can be discussed in person or on a phone.

Two key points to remember: Any relationship of any kind will have its miscommunications, misunderstandings, rough spots and horrifyingly awful moments based on communication problems. But most relationships (basically all except "enemy" and "nemesis" types) also have a lot of wonderful moments, and those not only counteract but completely obliterate the bad spots, as long as they aren't repeated occurrences that are actually based on a deeper issue and not just the method of communication.

Point two: Telephones are scary as shit and I won't even call my best friend to hang out without sending an email first. Talking to someone and being completely on the spot, and not having that half-second to look over and reconsider and edit what you're saying, is an experience that causes me so much anxiety that I just don't even want to do it, and also it feels awkward when someone doesn't hear you and they have to ask you to repeat yourself, and all kinds of ick. But with the right people, phone and in-person contacts can be super enjoyable (eg sweet-talkin' with a lover, sex, a reassuring phone call from a parental figure, even a job interview if it goes well) and are totally worthwhile.

You won't need to stress if this guy is worthwhile, and it definitely seems like you think he is. He'll understand if you're having trouble with those methods of communication, and you will both adjust and figure things out as they come up. Take a deep breath. Relax. Panic a little if you have to but don't forget how great it can be to have a good conversation with a great person who you adore and who adores you (in at least some sense, if not yet in the "we are dating and in love and we totally just had sex!!" phase)

Also, maybe you should stick up for yourself a bit more. I mean, this dude shouldn't be completely in charge of how you communicate...

I can see where the email thing would be a last resort. I've had to use it a couple of times, or in one or two cases a hand-written letter, but it's not something that can happen in every conversation. Those misunderstandings will become more and more rare as you get more practice on the phone, so you won't even need that option, really.

I don't know much about drama, except that it generally takes two (preferably more) to create it. But it can be avoided by everyone involved giving a little and trying to accommodate the other person/s involved. He needs to accept you taking a moment to respond to something sometimes. The phone is great; it guarantees that you're not just giving him some tiny portion of your attention while IMing 10 other people and playing a video game, and it allows for voice contact, which can be a wonderful relationship-builder. But if it makes you uncomfortable, he will have to deal with that at some point. Chances are you'll need text and internet crutches a lot less as you get used to talking to him directly, but when you do, he must respect that, or else there will be drama... and it will be at least 80% his fault.

I agree with all these techniques, let us know how you get on

Would it help to start getting more used to phone calls by calling friends and talking about random crap?  If you can get used to phone calls in a low-stress lets-just-shoot-the-shit environment, maybe it'll help get you used to more serious types of vocal communications.

Just a thought.  I imagine calling the US is a bit on the pricey side, and time zones are a pain in the ass, but if you ever want to just talk about nothing in particular, I'm happy to give you my number and figure out a time to chat.

True!  I keep forgetting about Skype.  I definitely need to install it one of these days.

Dear Panda,

I'm afraid this chap sounds, to me, as though he is a total cock.

His behaviour seems borderline abusive to me.

That's all.

Sarah_C

I did kind of make a "Mmm" sound in between him saying that and then hanging up.

The whole...not believing a word I say about anything ever unless it fits in with his little ideal world of rational sane human beings...thing does bother me.

He told me last night that I bring out a competitive streak in him that doesn't exist when he's around other people who AREN'T stubborn and argumentative and competitive (I am absolutely 100% definitely these things, by the way). Eh, I dunno. I don't really have time to explain this properly, but essentially:

I know he can be a dickhead. I am fully, fully aware of it. I'm not really blaming myself for last night aside from not being able to stand my ground (but I can't do that with anybody), because I know that it is his fault that both my options ended with him being a dickface.

BUT he can also be amazing. He can make me smile with the tiniest amount of effort. It's fucking irritating, but eugh. Yeah.

Also, bear in mind that this kind of behavior teaches you not to disagree with him and to overvalue the times when he is nice to you.

A sneaky part of it is that you start thinking that you can't find something as good with someone else, and then you start being afraid not to have him any more... and you say you're terrified of losing him. Please note - I would be horribly upset if Haok and I broke up, but I am not terrified of losing him. I don't have anxiety that we could break up at any time, so I better be nice and put up with his bullshit endearing yet annoying foibles, and the reason I don't have that anxiety is that he doesn't use the threat of leaving me as a tool to compel my behavior in the direction he wants. This isn't to say I don't have anxieties, just that my anxieties boil down to "is he happy/satisfied with situation in question?" and "I hope current problem gets worked out" and not "is my behavior going to make him leave this time? How much will it suck to make him not leave/come back?"

Incidentally, minor abandonments count as threats of leaving you. It's sort of like, "if you keep behaving in a way I don't want you to, here is a taste of what I will do".

S_C said it all, really.