Author Topic: Read my essay on THE ROAD (Read 475 times)

Narcissa · « **on:** December 04, 2011, 11:08:32 PM »

I wrote this essay and I think it's a piece of crap. But I'm going to turn it in anyway, and I want to make it as close to decent as I can before then. I really really really want to get a good grade, guys, this is my FINAL for this class and I super duper insanely appreciate any feedback I can possibly get, if you could spare the time.

The goals of the class are to produce students capable of writing a final paper with the following qualities:

- NO "to be" verbs (is, was, were, has, does, did)
- No useless phrases
- No slang or colloquialism
- Strong lexical, semantic, lateral, or signpost transitions between ideas and paragraphs
- A well-developed interpretive reading that focuses on analysis to support interpretive leaps, and which develops throughout the paper into a conclusion that couldn't have been said at the beginning of the essay.

We're supposed to adhere pretty strongly to these requirements, as it is a lower-division class. So if you catch me doing things wrong, let me know!

Thanks, people of Zeta

S*S · « **Reply #1 on:** December 05, 2011, 09:01:14 AM »

I've only seen the movie, I'm afraid, but could definitely proofread it for spelling or whatever.

Narcissa · « **Reply #2 on:** December 05, 2011, 06:32:33 PM »

Hey guys so I finished this. Please tell me how le crap it is please. Thanks.

stargazer2 · « **Reply #3 on:** December 05, 2011, 08:06:16 PM »

I tried to download it, and ran into failure. It doesn't think it's a .doc when I download, it thinks its a PART or something. Anyway, I can look it over for some of the points you describe. Midi could probably also comment, having read the book. She's preparing to write an essay on it herself, and it might be good for her to see a college level essay - this being an AP class. If you don't mind, and can get it posted in an agreeable format, I'll ask her to look it over.

MetaCortex · « **Reply #4 on:** December 05, 2011, 08:17:35 PM »

It downloads perfectly for me. Narcissa, do you have Microsoft Word 2010?

Narcissa · « **Reply #5 on:** December 05, 2011, 08:20:01 PM »

I think I'm still on 08. But, the forum won't let me upload .docx

so, I will link to google docs or something. gimme a sec, here...

Narcissa · « **Reply #6 on:** December 05, 2011, 08:24:57 PM »

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-8fFMvurW8MtdF1rh0jZG4D7GMg5IgRL0ycEYGlWDGs/edit

That should link to it, I think.

Otherwise, I can email the .docx file directly, if you could PM me your email address =)

Thanks for helping out, everyone.

MetaCortex · « **Reply #7 on:** December 05, 2011, 08:40:58 PM »

I was asking because of the way Office 2010 allows you to review documents and make comments and mark documents up. I figured it would be the easiest way to convey my thoughts. But I can just write them here. The way your paper is written now doesn't have any real flaws, as far as I'm concerned. Though I would make the following changes based on my personal style of writing (and of course you and everybody else can ignore my thoughts or go tell me to fuck myself for all I care, these changes are just my opinion):

In about the fifth sentence, I would write "ripped to shreds" instead of "broken to shreds".

You use the word "which" a lot more frequently than I do. I would drop a few instances of it, or change it to the word "that". IE: "...the darkness which lurks within mankind and which threatens to overtake..."

I would use the word "mold" instead of "moulder".

I would make "outsurvive" two separate words, or toss a hyphen in there.

You use commas a lot more frequently than I do. I would eliminate several, just to make the narration of the words in my head flow a bit smoother.

On the last page, I wouldn't have capitalized "Boy".

Narcissa · « **Reply #8 on:** December 05, 2011, 08:54:46 PM »

Awesome! Thank you. I feel like I wrote this paper trying my hardest to sound like a literary snob the entire time, and so yes indeed I am going back to edit out the "which"s.

I definitely appreciate the feedback. I'm currently applying most of your corrections, with the exception of the comma thing because that would take extensive overhaul. I'm pretty sure my professor is used to it from me anyway.

MetaCortex · « **Reply #9 on:** December 05, 2011, 09:02:25 PM »

Quote from: Narcissa on December 05, 2011, 08:54:46 PM

Awesome! Thank you. I feel like I wrote this paper trying my hardest to sound like a literary snob the entire time, and so yes indeed I am going back to edit out the "which"s.

She's a witch! Buuurn'er!!

stargazer2 · « **Reply #10 on:** December 05, 2011, 09:13:28 PM »

I gave it a content-level read, paying less attention to elements of style, more to depth and flow of thoughts. On that level, I think it's pretty good - I see each paragraph constructing a solid point (insofar as I can tell without reading the book), the points converging onto the conclusion. I think the language tries a little too hard to sound intellectual, which isn't necessary unless the teacher just really goes for that sort of thing.

Best I can do right now.

Narcissa · « **Reply #11 on:** December 05, 2011, 09:41:05 PM »

Quote from: stargazer2 on December 05, 2011, 09:13:28 PM

I think the language tries a little too hard to sound intellectual, which isn't necessary unless the teacher just really goes for that sort of thing.

Thank you. He does, and that's exactly what I was going for.

I was a bit worried that some of my points didn't mesh well with the conclusion, or perhaps I was drawing my conclusions a little farther from the direct evidence than possible... but if it doesn't seem that way to anyone so far, I think I'm pretty much set.

Thanks for the help =)

*heartwarmed*

Narcissa · « **Reply #12 on:** December 05, 2011, 09:42:59 PM »

Also, as a completely separate note: Did you find it boring?

I found it boring.

Usually I try to write funny essays, but I just couldn't find a good foothold for humor in an analysis of a book about starving homeless people running away from cannibals over streets littered with dead bodies.

Edit: Edited version is posted, for your reading pleasure. You know, if you find boring essays about depressing books pleasurable.

catfishncod · « **Reply #13 on:** December 06, 2011, 03:39:26 AM »

Quote from: Narcissa on December 05, 2011, 09:42:59 PM

Edit: Edited version is posted, for your reading pleasure. You know, if you find boring essays about depressing books pleasurable.

A frightening number of English professors with pretensions to high literary-ness DO find boring essays about depressing books pleasurable.

I've requested access to the Google Docs copy on the assumption that it's the edited one. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Narcissa · « **Reply #14 on:** December 06, 2011, 02:15:58 PM »

Technically, I deleted the google docs version, and posted the edited one here. I'm flattered at your interest, though =D

I really don't have a hang of google docs yet, so I don't want my stuff on there to be forgotten about by me and link-clicked-on by random strangers.

K · « **Reply #15 on:** December 06, 2011, 05:23:15 PM »

Quote from: Narcissa on December 05, 2011, 09:42:59 PM

Also, as a completely separate note: Did you find it boring?

I found it boring.

I found the book boring.

Narcissa · « **Reply #16 on:** December 06, 2011, 05:34:32 PM »

Quote from: K on December 06, 2011, 05:23:15 PM

I found the book boring.

It was SO AWFUL!!! It took me like a zillion years to slog through each page. It was a bleaker Harry Potter 7 with less endearing characters and no magic, and no interesting bad guy.

...and it won a Pulitzer.

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Author Topic: Read my essay on THE ROAD (Read 475 times)