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Author Topic: A ponderment  (Read 1097 times)

Offline EnsoMu

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A ponderment
« on: April 24, 2011, 09:54:06 PM »
In reflection on my previous talking about intimacy and in answer to my question, I used the word crapness.  In hindsight that was a little too harsh, so I apologize for anyone it might have offended.

In another thread the question was posed
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I'm puzzled by this concept of pretty ladies not being adequately sexed by their mates.  :?

This puzzlement got me thinking about my own puzzlement from the old days and thus my response:

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It puzzled me too, a long while ago.  But as surprising as it may seem, some people are willing to accept inadequacy in the sack for a variety of different reasons.

And of course the sack isn't the end all and be all, of all relationships.

I suspect a chuck of it is "many people don't know better."  Hell, till 2004, mind you, I labored under the mistaken idea that women disliked sex, had to be talked into it, and viewed intimacy with distaste--as something be tolerated like a dental visit, tax audit, or oil change.

Another wonderfully insightful thread poster brought up something was missing from my initial musings mostly that
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lack in QUANTITY does not assume a lack of QUALITY of the sex that is had.
I'm ashamed to say I missed that point--despite having dealt with it within one my own relationships, so, nice catch my friend.
This brings around to a question for our band of merry brothers and sisters, we.

Why do people accept dissatisfaction in the realm of intimacy?

If things changed for you, what/how/why were you motivated to change?
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Offline The Revolution

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2011, 09:58:52 PM »
Because most likely it's a personal thing that the other person has no control over.

Because the deep, true love that one feels with another can make them willing give up their lives for their partner... will make them toil endlessly just to give their partner ease... it will make every thought and decision revolve the partner because that one's life is never truly the same any more: It's now shared.

Because being without in terms of intimacy would be an infinitesimal speck compared to the importance of being without that person.
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Offline Pixie

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2011, 09:59:12 PM »
I've had issues with the amount of sex in my relationship/marriage, but I guess that sex just isn't as important to me as it is to a lot of other people. I want it, but I want it like I want ice cream or another puppy. Nice, but the world isn't going to end if I don't get it. And that isn't to say that there haven't been some tears over it, but the hurt feelings were more over the fear of not being wanted than over the physical act.

Considering that in every other respect he is the most perfect fit for me out of everyone I have ever met, I'd have been an idiot to give that up.
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Offline Arachne

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2011, 10:11:38 PM »
Because he's the kindest, most thoughtful, funniest, sweetest person I have ever dated. Because he listens to me, and wants to hear my opinion on any and every topic. Because he understands when I am crazy, and he does his damndest to work with me around it.

He's not perfect. There are other issues in the relationship. But there never WILL be perfect, and it's a matter of deciding what expectations are realistic, and what ones are not. We work together to figure things out. We talk. We compromise. We make mistakes, and we forgive one another our mistakes.

Ultimately, I have had to learn to understand that his lack of desire for sex does not equate to a lack of desire or love for ME. It was kind of a revelation, when I was reading a blog about sexually aggressive behaviour and I realized that the described behaviour patterns, when gender reversed, could fit ME.

If we look at stereotypes, there's the old trope that women hate sex and have to badgered/persuaded into it. So if a woman doesn't want to have sex, and a man persistantly tries to compel them to want it- pawing at them, whining, trying to get them turned on when they have stated that they do NOT feel like it... that's not okay.

Now switch the genders. Why on earth would that be okay for a girl to do to a guy? I was horrified and sickened when I realized what I'd been doing. I haven't done it since.

It's OKAY for your partner not to want sex sometimes. And that doesn't mean you should try to MAKE it be otherwise.
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Offline P4N

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2011, 11:15:37 PM »
Because some is better than none, even if its not as awesome as it could be.
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Offline wellah

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2011, 07:57:24 AM »
For me, putting up with the evil ex and only getting sex once every 4-6 months, was a factor of low self-esteem.  I was a virgin til I was 27 and until very recently (last year or so) didn't even realize that sex could be good or something I'd want.  I put up with all sorts of other things in that relationship because I didn't think I deserved any better at the time.   Just my perspective on it.
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Offline TIP

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2011, 08:09:47 AM »
Quote
I'm puzzled by this concept of pretty ladies not being adequately sexed by their mates.
Given the extent to which human sex drives vary, there are going to be plenty of women with higher sex drives than their partners, just like there are plenty of men with higher sex drives than their partners.
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Offline Cytherea

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2011, 08:11:02 AM »
In previous relationships, it was an issue of not knowing better sex existed. :P

Nowadays, things're pretty damn keen, but I still have issues saying when something's not quite working for me unless explicitly requested -- it's scary for me to do so, and I don't want to hurt feelings.
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Offline Veneziano

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2011, 04:05:31 AM »
 I've been having issues with this for a while and sometimes I wonder how long he will put up with it. I just NEVER want sex. And I mean NEVER. I honestly feel like I could feasibly go the rest of my life without sex. :/
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Offline Lorelei

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2011, 04:09:13 AM »
I was like that for a while. I didn't even want to be touched most of the time. For a few years of our marriage I think we had sex maybe 2 or 3 times the entire year. I'm pretty sure my lack of interest was due to depression/medication at the time. Now we average 2 or 3 times a month, which still isn't a lot, but it's way more than we used to.



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Offline NoxEquites

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #10 on: April 29, 2011, 09:17:40 PM »
Why do people accept dissatisfaction in their overall lives? Maybe because they realize that relationships can't be perfect.
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Offline S_C

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #11 on: April 29, 2011, 09:21:12 PM »
Another thing I found Is that being willing (and suggesting) "the weird stuff"* can help raise interest. Sometimes.

*Thank you, Captain Hammer.
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Offline Anumati

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Re: A ponderment
« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2011, 11:21:44 PM »
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Why do people accept dissatisfaction in the realm of intimacy?

Because sometimes other things are more important.
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