I wonder if guys from Nice are annoyed or amused by these threads.

How do you boost a friend's self confidence and make her feel better about herself, then?

*snip*

Well, you don't.

You see, perhaps she goes into these relationships wanting to 'fix' these broken and abusive guys.  That's no better or worse than you wanting to 'fix' your friend.  She makes decisions about her life you don't agree with, that make you think something is 'wrong' with her.  You see her as somehow 'broken' and needing her friends to 'fix' her.

If she's happy with her life, accept that you have a friend who makes decisions you don't agree with.  Whether she is or not, all you really have the right to do, even as a friend, is say, "Hey, you know, I don't really agree with the decisions you made, or your basis for making them.  I think you don't deserve relationships where someone treats you like that, and that whatever your reasons for choosing that, as your friend I'd be happy for you if you found a relationship that really fulfilled you and made you happy."

Good friends don't go around expecting other people to change just because they (the friends) think that they (the other people) should be living their lives in a 'better' way.  All any of us has the right to do is express an opinion and a concern, and if someone chooses to ignore that opinion or concern, or opts not to make life change based on it, then we have the choice to support that person in the decisions he or she does make, or walk away.  But tinkering around to initiate change in her life because you're so sure her life will be better if she only makes the dating choices you think she should is not really the action of a friend.

With regard to 'nice guys'?  I'll try to sum up my feelings in general:

Why don't I like 'nice guys'?  Because if the only thing you have to recommend you to me is that you're 'nice', then you're out of your depth, honeychild.  'Nice' isn't a perk, it's a flat requirement.  Telling me you're a 'nice guy' and I should date you because of that is akin to telling a potential employer that he should hire you as a chemical engineer because you can add and subtract without a calculator.  'Nice' doesn't even get you in the door, it's so far below being a basic requirement.  'Nice + funny + attractive by my standards' will get you in the door, but then there's still quite a bit of work to get any further than that.  'Nice guy' is the equivalent of 'I can dress myself!'  Of course you can, sugar bunny, so can several billion other men on the planet.  What more do you offer?

Most of the men I've been involved with were either nice guys, or 'Nice Guys'.  The nice guys tended to last a lot longer, because they didn't expect to be applauded for basic courtesies, and they never expected that they were somehow doing me a *favor* or acting in an unusual manner by not being abusive, ugly, vicious fucks.  In fact, 'Nice Guys' often creeped me out, because it seemed like they were doing something they felt was 'going the extra mile' that should have been a matter of course.

To hell with 'Nice Guys'.  I'd prefer 'decent human being with his head on straight and a good sense of humor.'  For about the last five or six years, generally no one describes the men I choose as 'nice', because generally they have so many other good qualities that 'nice' falls somewhat flat as a compliment.  They can also brush their hair and tie their shoes.  Why point out the trivial shit, you know?

Hello.  My name is Mike.  And.  I used to be a Nice Guyâ„¢.

Not really related to Dwayne's friend's situation, but I really like what sinic and Oniichan wrote about Nice Guysâ„¢. 

I would emphasize to Nice Guysâ„¢ that it's important to be yourself if you want to find a stable and successful relationship.  I imagine there are Nice Guysâ„¢ out there that somewhat have the idea "Women are to be respected and treated right.  They are wonderful, and beautiful, and I would do anything for them.  If they just knew how much I admired them and would do anything for them than maybe they would love me and life would be so wonderful... <sigh>"

*SLAP*  Wake up.  Women/girls/females are normal people. (heh, for the sake of this post anyway ) Of course they're wonderful, and of course you should respect them, but they're not perfect angels from some fairy tale.  Sinic has an excellent point where he said

If she says something stupid, you tell her she's said something stupid.  If she tells a bad joke, you mock her.  If she says something you disagree with, you argue with her.  You don't bend to her every whim and bring her flowers and chocolates and all that other crap.

I think this is so true, and a key to being in or finding a great relationship.  Be yourself.  Like Onii said, I think the attitude "I just stopped giving a flying fuck." is a great move.  You don't want to get a girl who thinks you're somebody you're not. 

I got the woman that I'm with right now (and intend on being with for the rest of my life) this way.  The first night I ever saw her we were playing monopoly with some mutual friends.  I was thinking "Wow.  That's a hot lady.  But you know what?  I don't give a flying fuck.  I'm going to be myself, and if she doesn't like me, then that's her problem."

Another key factor for me was sitting down, talking to myself, and really realizing that I didn’t have to have a significant other in my life to be happy.  It might be nice, but you don’t absolutely have to have somebody to be happy.  You can be happy and have fun just fine without another.  I’m not saying to stop looking, but maybe make a girlfriend a “want” instead of a “need”.

Well, shit, that's a relief. I don't think I've ever said that. I've always thought it's either just 'cuz I'm ugly or they think I'll murder them.

The original question:

http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp02142004.shtml
http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp02152004.shtml
http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp02172004.shtml

What I struggle to understand is WHY this is happening. Why is she choosing to be unhappy, when she knows what is making her unhappy and has the power to change this? Of course, the same question could be asked about any kind of destructive behavior.

In abusive relationships, part of the abuse can often be that the abusive person is very VERY good at getting under the other person's defenses and exploiting all of those little insecurities. It's not as simple as "They're being abused, they should leave", it's more like that emotional abuse often involves ways to stop the person from leaving, whether it's by making them feel that they need the abusive partner, or making them feel that no one else would have them, or that they deserve what they're getting. Even turning them away from the people who care about them. From what I understand, it's often not as simple as just walking away.

Well, to be honest, Kyle, while I agree with you whole heartedly, some people are confused. A lot of the 'Nice Guys' you guys are talking about that I know were lead to believe that the way to get a woman is to be their friend first. I've heard their female friends say it. I've seen it on tv ("Why can't guys get that I want a friend to be in a relationship with, not just some sort of sex crazied idiot"). The message is out there.

Now, if you're just doing it to get sex, then you're wrong for lying to the girl and making her believe you care about her.

But I still don't hear as loud complaining for those who pretend to be big ballers to get women in bed, those who pretend to be so emo it hurts to get women into bed, people who pretend to be very highbrow to get women into bed.... There's almost an endless supply of fakers who pretend to 'get', or understand a woman just to get inside her pants.

Will we get equal complaining time about them, or are 'Nice Guys' the easier targets?

Telling me you're a 'nice guy' and I should date you because of that is akin to telling a potential employer that he should hire you as a chemical engineer because you can add and subtract without a calculator. 

Whoa, whoa! What's with all these raised academic requirements?!
*flips through his chemical engineering course requirements, nervously*
Shit shit shit shit. They actually expect me to do simple addition and substraction? Unaided? Shit.     >.<

People, in general, are crazy.

Ha! I knew it! I knew you were all insane! I'm not crazy! You're the crazy ones!
THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS! FOUR! NOT FIVE! FOOOOOUUUUURRRRR!
*insert further deranged cackling*

Not really, hon.

Cause even I knew the reference.

And, well, I'm not what you'd call a fan...I'm afraid it's a popular enough reference as part of the pop culture lexicon that it no longer scores you geek cred...