(Caveat: I would appreciate that whoever knows us off of Zch please leave this topic here.  I need advice, not couples counseling.  I'm already talking with my partner so thanks.)

I kinda find myself in need of advice, and hope this is good enough to warrant its own thread.  I realize this is probably going to be fairly long winded and also the most serious thing that many of y'all have seen me write and no wonder, 'cause it's about my love life.

I realize I haven't been on often lately and thus only a few people know of this- I've been in a relationship for about eight months now.  It's a dear and loving relationship, mostly long distance but she recently moved here so we're beginning that phase.  She- we'll call her C- adores and loves me dearly and I feel the same way.  I just have to get used to being in a relationship after nearly 20 years of single life.  Once finances become stable, we'll probably look into cohabitation.

None of that is the problem.

The problem at hand is our sex life.  (There you go, now you can cross me off your Virgin List, and whoever had Coyote at 30 years in your betting pools wins.) I'm physically attracted to her and she back, with a quite healthy libido.  But the problem seems to be that I don't have a great attention span when it comes to sex.  My seduction skills are lackluster, I don't seem to take the lead like she wants and often drop out of the mood quickly.  On a couple of times I've gotten silly or nervous and completely killed the mood.   While we've talked about this and it's not a terrible problem, I'm worried that it might develop into one.  I don't want it to head into a situation where she thinks I'm honestly not attracted to her and that it will ruin the relationship or at the very least put a dent in her self-esteem.  I've got some theories, I'm largely looking for help and advice.

To start with, there are a couple things I'm sure it's not:

1. The fact I'm a furry is not a factor.  There, I said it.  I understand admitting that is a shock for some and an eyeroll and "well duh" for others.  (If we wish to discuss this specific topic for anything EXCEPT the topic at hand we can take it to a separate thread, thanks.)  I'm not the full "lifestyle thinking I am the character" type; it's a fandom, an art appreciation, and a bit of a kink.  I look at just as much "regular" porn, more so lately as I've started to draw.  This may sound as a total defensive maneuver, but I just wanted to get this out of the way in case it came up and became a "well there's your answer."

2. I am physically attracted to her.  When we spend time together, either making out, fooling around, or even just kissing, I am aroused.  I also have had thoughts and fantasies about her, and they are of her without any alteration of her body.  We have had sex several times; the problem seems to stem from not staying in the mood when it comes time and the fact that I seem to have only come once.

Now to the theories.  These are thoughts, maybe guesses or excuses.  I would appreciate talk about these in pieces, or we can handle the whole thing.  I will say that I don't think all of these are true, I'm exploring questions and theories.

1. Sex as entertainment.  For the longest time, due to being a 30-year-old virgin and single for most of that time, I've masturbated as a way to alleviate boredom.  Often times it may or may not have been because I've actually gotten horny, or just something came up.   I haven't really done the schedule, just when it seemed time.   I'm wondering if somehow sex has become some sort of form of boredom relief instead of an activity, because C and I spend a lot of time hanging out and doing stuff, even if it's just us on our respective computers.  When it comes to when she's a bit randy, there are many times that I'm distracted and not paying attention or just simply not feeling horny.  We've talked about this before and she understands that idea.

2. Mechanics.  C and I are both large people, which makes mechanics a big problem in the bedroom.  I'm not trying to do some Kama Sutra gymnastics, but often it seems like we can't make a lot of positions work.  Rear is out due to her thighs, and often I can't even really go on top.  Her on top works a bit, but one of us gets tired quickly.  I'm not sure where to go on this one.  I have a feeling that it's probably one of the biggest roadblocks, but it's not just our weight.  C has problems in some parts of her body, one of her hips just plain doesn't work rigth so I can't lean on it for leverage.  It saps the mood completely and she recoils. 

3. Am I just lying to myself?  A corollary to mechanics is the fear that I'm lying to myself and not really all that attracted physically though I am deeply in love every other way.  I know that I'm frustrated at the problems in mechanics (I realize I'm not in a porn but would seriously like to try some things she flat out nixes as not really possible) and I know that I have had a trouble in the past giving her oral due to taste and smell.

4. Stress/Depression Then there's another thing that's nagging on my mind.  Everything else.  Due to my shitty job, I find myself completely sapped on days that I'm working, emotionally and physically exhausted.  Sometimes I'm that way the moment I step through the door to clock in.  There's also a lot of worry about money, lack of a decent job, the worry I'm in a dead-end life, and others.  And then there's worry about her own problems.  I'm worried that stress or some sort of depression is having an impotent effect on me when it comes to physical contact.  I know that I'm withdrawing a bit from many activities I like and wonder if this is one of them.

5. Too much Porn?  There is a lot of studies done about the desensitizing nature of porn itself, and I wonder if I'm in a situation like that.  There are some times that I can only really get off at night, or sitting, and I wonder if somehow due to my masturbatory habits that I've conditioned myself to only liking that, or that somehow I've become desensitized to "vanilla" sex.

6. No fantasy element?  The flip side to the porn issue is I've found that I do not view women much as a sexual object.  This would normally be seen as a progressive, quite forthright attitude but I'm worried that it's one of the problems when it comes to actually having sex.  That I've said that I know I'm not in a porn, but is it the only way I can become really into it, if there's some sort of fantasy behind it?

7. Lazy or submissive?  Another thought is maybe I'm just plain fucking lazy.  When we try, I'm often missing her signals, and she has to often goad me into certain things such as rubbing her mound.  When it comes to sex itself, she complains a bit that I'm not aggressive enough.  The flip side of if I'm lazy is what if I'm just submissive?  I find myself a little more excited when she takes control, though I enjoy being on top as well.  Is it a self-esteem issue then?

8. Inexperience?  The self-esteem question leads me into the next thought.  I've only been (non-masturbatory) sexually active for six months.  Is this just simply a normal thing that, if I had had my first experiences back before or near 18, I'd be going through then and this is just the normal inexperience combined with awkwardness that I "should know this" due to being 30.  Another worry is that somehow my sex drive is already being lowered due to being 30.

This is a bit of a complex matter, as you can tell from the many questions and theories I'm exploring.  I love C dearly and I want to see this problem between us resolved.  As it stands right now, with us living separately and me coming over every so often, it's not an issue, but if we were to cohabitate or marry, I don't want this sort of thing to become a severe roadblock to our happiness.  Thanks for reading my long-winded spiel and I look forward to the serious discussion.

1. Sex as entertainment.
5. Too much Porn?

I'll deal with those two together, because they seem to me to be two facets of the same problem. And to start, I don't think "desensitized" is the word I'd use here. What it looks like to me is that, unsurprisingly, your sex life has gotten into a rut (pun not quite intended), and now that you're taking off in a new direction, stuff doesn't quite work as it should.

This is normal. The cure is, quite simply, to tone down, or even completely stop, masturbation: Get your body and mind used to the idea that sexual relief is intimately connected with your girlfriend instead of your palm.

2. Mechanics.

This can be an issue, alright. I'm sure that there are resources out there on the net which can give you ideas for what to try, but I confess to a lack of concrete advice on this one. I foresee quite a bit of experimentation, though.

Also, PIV is not, contrary to popular opinion, the be-all-end-all of sex. There are other ways to connect intimately and to get each other off. As I said, experiment with each other.

3. Am I just lying to myself? [...] I know that I have had a trouble in the past giving her oral due to taste and smell.

Only you can answer that first one. As for the other issue, showering together can be foreplay as well. Some gentle communication might be indicated, too.

4. Stress/Depression

That's a big one. I know that stress totally kills my libido, which is counterproductive because sex is a great stress reliever. Not much you can do here except finding ways to avoid and/or relieve stress, and to try to keep engaged with sexy activities with your girlfriend even if you may not be totally in the mood due to stress.

6. No fantasy element?

There's no reason real, actual sex can't contain some fantasy. Dirty talk, some role play, whatever floats your collective boat.

7. Lazy or submissive?  Another thought is maybe I'm just plain fucking lazy.  When we try, I'm often missing her signals, and she has to often goad me into certain things such as rubbing her mound.

Fuck signals. Communicate more. Until you get to the point where you know from experience that now's the time to rub her mound, there's no good reason why she can't tell you to rub her mound or simply take your hand and put it where it does her the most good.

Sex isn't magic, it's a learned skill set.

When it comes to sex itself, she complains a bit that I'm not aggressive enough.  The flip side of if I'm lazy is what if I'm just submissive?  I find myself a little more excited when she takes control, though I enjoy being on top as well.  Is it a self-esteem issue then?

Possible. If you two are both seriously passive/submissive, you might have a problem, whatever the underlying reason. The most common solution seems to be to negotiate switching off on who's the aggressive/active partner at any given moment, which gives both of you the possibility of staying within your comfort zone while also requiring both of you to get out of it on a regular basis.

8. Inexperience?

Highly probable, yes. Are you guys fully aware of each other's experience levels?

Another worry is that somehow my sex drive is already being lowered due to being 30.

Hmm, it's possible. Also, some fat cells produce estrogen, which is known to lower libido in men. OTOH, her sex drive should be ramping up in her 30s...

Yeah, on the 30 thing -- in and of itself, that's not a magic age.

True, that. Like any statistical regularity, it may or may not apply in each individual case.

"On a couple of times I've gotten silly or nervous and completely killed the mood."

That, plus the fact you're worried about it getting worse than it is, smells a bit like anxiety to me. Fear is the mood-killer, dawg. Between your dry spell and the tension created by facetime being a new thing, you're bound to have some of that.

The bit about your disinterest in women doesn't quite ring true; you're physically attracted to her after all. As another guy who dives into weird 'net porn, I can attest that what gets me off on a screen and what gets me off in meatspace don't necessarily have much overlap most of the time. If you've noticed that she's had to play into your fantasies to get you interested though, it may be that you're leaning towards developing a fetish, in the psychological sense of the word. That can be a tricky situation, but luckily those things are usually generated by underlying problems rather than being primary, and you've got the likely culprit right in front of you: anxiety.

So, try to work on mindfulness and other techniques for staying calm, and if the trouble persists, see a therapist for a bit to get yourself unstuck. This isn't Oh Shit time, I'm not saying a couples therapist, just somebody for you so you can get your head back on straight.

ETA: another thought I'm having is that maybe you're not getting enough foreplay here. The way I'm reading this, it sounds like when she's horny, she just kind of flirts at you. Maybe your body is losing interest because it's not stimulated enough. The opening volley isn't all about getting her wet, you know.

ETA Black Edition: Have her lie on her back, lay next to her, lift her near leg, and attempt a side approach. If you can get it to stay in, this is one of my favorite positions for nailing big girls, because you can give her leg a hug.