Maaan, where do you find these people? 

couchsurfing.com is a real website

True fact. If all else fails, you can give it a shot.

My stomach hates me.

Johnny, you make me facepalm so hard.

And I mean that in the most lovingest way possible. 

I don't usually wash my hands after I poop.

Course not.  Hospitals are already all clean and sterile.

*nods* My place of work has big signs everywhere about not visiting if you are ill, hand sanitizer dispensers with 'how to use this properly' signs at most corridor intersections, as well as tissue and facemask dispensers, and reminders on bathrooms' sinks and stall doors about handwashing. I  cannot come into work if I have a fever and am coughing/sneezing. Now, I work at a cancer center, and one with a rather large pediatric unit that has special focus on leukemia - ie, the one where they have to nuke your marrow and therefore your immune system sometimes to treat it - and so this place is triply focused on sanitation because, well, large numbers of child cancer patients with no immune systems are on site.

So in a more generalized hospital, the danger is only, oh, double as important.

If you need an argument based on your own health and not others', hospitals are where people go when they have really bad bugs, and then those bugs get nuked over and over with antibiotics. It breeds not just resistant bugs, but superbugs, hidden in corners and surfaces. MRSA specifically comes to mind as a superbug that was almost certainly bred in hospitals and now hangs out in them. I had a friend in college who had a MRSA infection on her leg. She got it in a hospital. Most of the time her leg just had little reddish bumpy patches, but every few months they'd swell up into painful boils that she'd need to have lanced, drained, disinfected, and bandaged. In a hospital. Of course.

She eventually learned enough to do this at home, for sheer convenience and avoidance of irony.

In conclusion:
Your mother/kindergarten teacher was totally right. Wash your hands after using the bathroom, and do it properly. (Just don't use antibacterial soap. Regular soap is fine.)

I don't usually wash my hands after I poop.

We shared a pizza. An E. coli pie. 

If you put really hot water in the bowl (like, use a kettle) and add a dollop of dishwashing liquid, you can often loosen things enough you can just flush 'em.

Still stinky, but not as messy.

So, uh. As a rule, I don't generally crush on the ladies, nor do I really notice people in a sexual way physically, with some exceptions. It's brain juice that gets me all hot and bothered, you know? I get little crushes on folks that I get to know and attraction grows and- that's how it usually works for me.

But there's this lady that I keep seeing on the bus. And my god she is... just so pretty. And she's got really small breasts and doesn't wear a bra and short hair and oh my god. Glasses. And nipples. And I feel really creepy and I try not to stare, because that would make me uncomfortable, but when I see her, I have all sorts of thoughts and fantasies and holy hell, she's just so HOT. She's kind of androgynous looking, but she has lovely arms and her face is beautiful and not overly made up and...

Aghghghghhh. Even if I was single, I don't even know how I'd -begin- to flirt with a lady, nor do I even know if that's something I'd really want to do. But my physical attraction to this particular lady is startling.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO JUST TOUCH HER ALL OVER AND - hnnnngghhh.

And then I feel creepy again because, um, why am I thinking these things about a stranger. Stop that. 

Usually instances of WHOA I AM ATTRACTED TO THAT PERSON A LOT involve Teh Menz. Guess not this time.

I'm happy with being not-single, as my boyfriend is amaaaazing! But even so, daaamn she's hot.